Funny thing to log in only to see that my interests still list your name. I need to vent about this because it's STILL eating me alive. It hasn't gotten any better or easier.... Not even the slightest bit. I just keep wondering how you moved on so quickly if I supposedly meant so much to you. You said you just didn't want to dwell and you thought you needed to move on... I understand that but still how was it so easy for you to do so.... I just don't understand why you could not have told me that you only seen me as a friend when this whole thing started. I don't understand why it took you two months to tell me that despite the 3 years we spent together, you had a new girl. And you said you're not so sure things would be with her like they were with you and I.... but aside from constantly telling me how you like this girl (which is what I would imagine someone digging a knife in my chest feels like) thats all you've told me really. Maybe I'm clinging too tightly to the past, but can you blame me? If you ever felt for me what I felt for you, you'd know what I cant seem to let go of. I could tell you over and over again how I initiated the break up so that I could work some things out within myself in order to be happy with you... I suppose that was selfish and I guess I wouldn't understand that either... but you didn't put up a fight. The very next day you carried on as if nothing ever happened and for the entire past year I had no fucking clue that you were even upset about our breakup... and you tell me it's the exact opposite but I never knew so what was I supposed to do?! Like with the break up you put up no fight for our friendship, you'll simply let me walk away despite how much it kills me.... because it doesn't kill you I guess. Why would you be upset about any of this anyways when you have a new girl? I bet you told her all the things you told me in the beginning about how your past relationships screwed you up so badly and you just aren't in the right place for a relationship right now.... then you left for tour, leaving me to think I had to get over you because you were just letting me down the easy way.... I only wanted to know should I stick around or move on to which you had no answer only that you didn't want a serious relationship.... So I prepared myself for the worst. I was so fucking scared to see you the night you got back that I didn't even show up at the show, I went somewhere else... then you pranced into my house at 2 am and called me your girlfriend and despite the mind-fuck it was, I couldn't have been happier..... I imagine you'll do something quite similar to her. You probably gave her the whole bit about how she's going back home for the summer and you're too busy for a relationship blah blah blah but give it a month or so and soon enough you'll call her your gf too. It was so stupid of me to trust you..... you were honestly the only person I've ever trusted that much. I thought because you were so busy that you didn't have time for dating, period. So I said nothing about how badly I missed you and how I couldn't even consider dating other guys because I still cared so much for you.... But you lied. You were dating someone, obviously making the time for someone. And I'm not upset that you moved on, we clearly did not communicate with each other on that subject. It hurts like hell to think of you with someone else but thats not what I'm so upset about.... I'm upset that our friendship is gone because how could we ever remain so close when you now have a new girl that comes first. You know (or knew since you no longer care to know) everything about me.... you knew me better then I knew myself. I just keep thinking how I'll never have that ever again and largely because I'm now so insanely scared to get close to someone because of the fear that they'll just abandon me like you did. Maybe it's just easier for you because you had other "loves" before me and I guess I was never anymore special then any other relationship you had.... but I'm not as easy to win over and I can honestly say that you are the only love I've ever had. You made every other relationship I ever had seem so meaningless. I constantly think about the time we spent together and I don't regret any of it because you kept me happy through a lot of negative shit in my life. Maybe thats why it's so hard now because I'm experiencing all this terrible stuff but you're no longer there for me to lean on. I told you how I used to think, even at my most depressed times, "well at least I have the best boyfriend in the world whom is also my absolute best friend." To which you replied that you weren't a good boyfriend.... so what don't I know??? Because I remember the boyfriend who took me on a picnic in the park and packed the perfect lunch with everything I loved, details few people know. I remember the boy who used to make me mad over silly stuff like being indecisive but would quickly make me smile by joking leading me see what a dumb girl I was being. I remember when you left for tour in Europe and we could barely talk, getting so excited just to have a message from you... and the first time you called on that trip when I answered my phone and heard your voice, I wanted to cry I was so happy. I had butterflies and felt like I couldn't breathe because I didn't even realize how much I missed you at that point. I remember every single gift you ever gave being so beyond perfect and making me so insanely happy, especially all the stuff you got me for my 21st birthday because I didn't even have to tell you anything, you just knew! and you even picked out what is still my favorite piece of jewelry. I could go on and on but it doesn't really matter does it? Because you'll never feel the same about our friendship and I now have a years worth of building up my self-esteem and confidence to RE-build.

I wouldn't say that I'm down and out because I'm actually doing pretty good. It's just... well no one is happy 100% of the time and it's one of my not so happy moments.
Recently, I have learned that being so close with my family is both a blessing and a curse, but it's something I am very grateful for and I'm getting better at focusing on the good aspects.
I can honestly say that I have overcome some pretty hard times and that's a pretty positive reinforcement in my life. I just feel like there's a void that can't be filled.. but maybe it isn't supposed to be. I've had a pretty bad case of the nostalgic blues lately. Missing certain friends or times in my life. I've also had a much harder time with my recent break up than I expected. I want to tell him how much I miss him and a part of me even wants to say I take it back... but it's not my intentions to "play games" with him and even if he was all for us getting back together, we don't seem to have much space for each other in our busy lives. He's doing something he's wanted to do for a while now and I would never want to force him to make time for me. I just miss my best friend more than anything. We text each other just about every day but I feel the difference and I hate it sometimes. There's certain situations where I just want to call him and tell him things because he's the only one who would understand or appreciate the importance but I guess it's just something I'll have to get used to. It saddens me to feel like it hasn't made much of a difference to him, but deep inside I feel like he's hiding how much it bothers him... perhaps that's just wishful thinking.
Then there's the friendships that I miss. I've grown apart from most of my friends and I know that is my own doing... there are certain friends where unfortunate circumstances forced us apart too. One in particular I was pretty close with for a while, but I got dragged into other peoples drama and now I'm pretty certain she doesn't consider me much more than an acquaintance. I understand I guess. I should have considered everyone involved rather than try to look out for one person. It's in the past though and there is nothing that can be done now. I just don't understand how I've managed grow so far from everyone. Sometimes I just feel too mature to deal with a lot of people... which is funny because everyone seems to see me as very childlike and naive.
Moving away can't happen quick enough if it's even a possibility yet at the same time I would like to hold off for a little while longer. Despite all these feelings, I have a lot to look forward to lately.

Lately I feel like I shouldn't hold my family any higher than anyone else. That might sound incredibly mean, but if we didn't "have" to deal with each other we wouldn't. It's just funny how the people that I trust most and would do anything for are the one who always disappoint me or hurt me in some way. In real life, not as bother and sister, I could honestly say that I would be friends with Ruben but I know for sure that I would NOT be friends with John. It's funny how all the drama him and his wife have caused over the past few years has made me realize things about my parents that I truly hate. It sucks when home no longer feels like home and I know that happens to everyone once you grow up but it's not supposed to happen when you haven't even moved away. I want to move out so badly but I'm stuck. Thinking about moving out and the reasons why I can't bums me out so incredibly bad. It's really hard to be positive when everything is negative.

My heart and head hurt, but it was my decision.

My rant for the past year or more has been about moving away... and while that is still at the top of my To-Do list, simply moving out of my parents house has become even more of a priority. My parents can both be very dramatic sometimes and when they stress, they stress me out even more. I've realized that a lot of the problems I have are a result of being around them too much. For example, I'm constantly some huge stress case and I know that would be, at least, much better, if not, not an issue at all if I were not around them so much. They both can be so negative and emotional sometimes too. I've been a lot more positive lately because I just want to enjoy life. Having my niece around all the time makes me think a lot about everything. My niece is constantly trying to do "big girl" things even though she's barely a toddler and I realized that I spent my whole childhood trying to be a big girl to the point where I skipped over my teenage years and did a head first dive into adulthood... and now I'd give anything to be a care free child again. But I guess it's like that for a lot of people in some way or another. Perhaps I'm exaggerating a little on not being a teenager, but I definitely was never very childlike. I just find it funny how as children we play with toys to simulate being adults, like playing with dolls and pretending we're moms or driving mini electric cars as if we're adults and as teenagers we think we're so grown up and adult already, but once we actually become adults, we (or at least I) would rather be kids again. Funny culture we live in. I went off on a tangent there but my point was that my niece makes me appreciate life more and want to enjoy every minute I can. Unfortunately as an adult, I've realized things about my past that have affected the person I am today, but I try not to dwell on them or have resentment towards anyone because of it. I wish I wasn't such a thinker all the time... but only the guy isn't rowing has time to rock the boat.

I'm working on finding a happy medium, that is, if one exists of course. It's either work and school and mad and sad, yet well rested with the bills paid in full or party hardy, tired at work and with brain focused every which way except on school work, and happy as can be, enjoying life.
I suppose it's not quite that extreme. I'm at a fairly happy middle ground. Except I can't for the life of me focus on school and one night out has me tired all week. If I was taking classes I enjoyed this semester, I'm sure it'd be different. Unfortunately the only classes I needed are wack. My ecology class could be interesting except I'm not into doing a lab every day. Math is just ridiculous. I honestly have no clue why I need to take this much math to graduate when I guarantee you it will have nothing to do with my profession, I promise you that... besides, I have a pretty solid foundation of math if I somehow did end up some day needing to use my math skills in the "real world." I wish I could give up, but I can't.
I also wish I made enough money to live on my own. I'm just too old to be living at home still. Not to say that anyone else my age is too old, it just doesn't work for me anymore. It also wouldn't be so hard for me to afford living on my own if a decent one bedroom apartment didn't cost a billion dollars. I don't think I could handle roommates. I dream of my own little place, all mine, quiet and maybe lonely from an outsiders perspective. Something with a big kitchen so I can bake and cook feasts for guests and a back door for my unpurchased puppy. Something cozy. Something all mine. My parents are awesome, don't get me wrong, and why not milk living at home for free for as long as possible? I'm just going mildly insane. It's like an itch I can't scratch and just the same I can't describe it. It's just what I want right now. Come September it might be possible. Until then I suck it up and look for a way to make more money!

Had one of those roller coaster weeks again... well the past few weeks have been that way. None the less, I'm good. My health however, is not. I actually haven't been sick in a while and I'm usually always sick with something. I had a really bad fever friday and haven't felt very good all weekend. With all the emotionally draining things going on in my life, on top of my health, school is the last thing I want to deal with but I have an ecology test tomorrow that I need to study for. I desperately need a vacation or just anything to help me relax a little and get back in the swing of things. I have all day at work today to study but so far I ditched that to do this. I can't study at home because my niece is there and she doesn't let me do anything that I have to unless it involves singing and dancing with her. She's adorable but I get exhausted when she's around. I'm looking forward to having some fun this week... or so the plan goes.

For a while there I thought I was really happy. I didn't want to talk about it, I thought I'd jinx myself... but I don't believe in jinx's or luck or any bullshit. Even in my saddest states, I'm never the "depressed" kind of person. Today, I didn't want to get out of bed. My dreams were so much more comforting and it was cold and I would have to remember the night before. I'm being dramatic, I know. I hate that I never know whats good for me. That it's always a war of head vs heart and neither ever reign over one another. There's no way to know whats best for you until you try it out, but I'm scared if I let him go on a trial basis that it will turn permanent. It's brought about so many issues I have with myself and sometimes I think it's impossible to be happy with someone else if you're not happy with yourself... but humans are never happy with themselves, are they? My social awkwardness is alarming to me lately. I feel like I don't fit in... not even with myself. I don't belong in that class, this job, with that group of people, with these thoughts. My only solution to fixing this is moving away. I want to move where I'm forced to face myself and be nothing but myself, not the perfect daughter or student or friend. Start fresh where people have to get to know me so I can get to know me. See what's it like to be truly on my own and not just feel that way. Be responsible for me. Be away from the influence of family and friends and not pick up on their bad habits and demeanor's. Just live and let live. But I'm not brave enough to bare all that way. I'm not comfortable enough in my own skin. I'm scared of losing all thats here. I just want to feel 22 years old for once, not 28 or 12 as I do most of the time. But I can't stop stressing over every little thing, so I'm not sure how to accomplish that...

I got to spend most of my weekend with my niece, After not seeing her for 6 months. I'm still upset that my parents gave into my brother so easily when they swore they wouldn't let him walk all over them again... but then I realized that it's much harder to be mean and turn away someone you love then I had first assumed. I said I wouldn't let my sister in law get away with all the shit she caused and I said I wouldn't be even the least bit nice to her.... but I'm not that kind of person. She seemed excited to see me and even hugged me... and I realized that although I should've stood up for my family, her and I were kind of close at one time and she never had anything against me. Even when she was bad mouthing my entire family and coming up with the most absurd lies, the only thing she ever said about me was that I was spoiled. And more importantly, I'm not a shit starter like her. So I guess I can forgive... My grandma Rosalie always used to tell me that it's important to forgive, even though it's hard to forget but you have to try. So I'm trying to forgive and forget... only so I can see my niece. She's a wild little toddler and me and my parents are exhausted after only a weekend with her, but she's so much fun. Even when she gets bratty its super hard to be annoyed by her for long... she was throwing a little fit in the store with me because I wouldn't let her walk but she redeemed herself by making me do ring around the rosey with her in the middle of the mall, hahaha. She's a gemini for sure, super loving and cute one minute and brat of the year the next. But it's part of her sassy little charm and I'm excited to see her more often.